I talked to Judy again last night. She said she hasn't got the results from the paternity test back yet, but I'm sure she's been sleeping around. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. All the crying and hives are really getting to me, it's like I don't even have the strength to put on my make-up in the morning anymore. I know if I put it on, the mascara is just going to run, and that's going to be so embarrassing for me. Life is so hard right now.
But it's ok. I have my two goldfishies. Dashboard and Confessional have kept me afloat. Sometimes I wish I could just be a goldfish and not have to cry all the time, because I'd be in water already. You can't cry in water, can you? I'd probably be just as sad, though. It's all about the emulators, man.
Anyway, I haven't been able to eat lately. I just throw up if I try. Chocolate is always good tho. I swear, I could sit in my room eating chocolate and listening to New Found Glory for hours, crying. Uncontrollably. I like to play with my lighter, too. The timid flame reminds me of my mortal soul. How will I ever keep living to my 16th birthday?!
"I woke up to the cold water of my sheets
Pulling me down into the slumber of a sepia dream
Your face haunts me from the shadows, waxen and cold
I will burn torches until I am old
Now the wafting specter of your ghost remains
Seared like a chemical burn into my brain
Over and over and over and over and over I scream inside
And run and run and run and run and search for somewhere to hide"
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1 comment:
thats beautiful. i know your pain.
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