"All That, A Ring Pop, And A Root Beer Float"

This week has seriously been one of the busiest I've had in college so far. So many exams, papers, quizzes, and pieces of homework due... At least the worst of it is over now, though. It's going to feel so nice to finally relax this weekend. SO nice.

Mike's 21st birthday dinner was really fun tonight. Corey, Steve, Mike, Dustin, Joey, Grant, Emily, and Corey were there. We sat around talking about sweet tea most of the time. And trying to find ways to relate it back to the Bible. Also, Mike had his first "official" beer. I was excited at being present for such a momentous occasion.

Josiah is over right now, and as usual, that means insanity. It's fun to call Tess and try to play cello and flute together over the phone. And pretend to host fake radio shows that are only directed at her. And try to take pictures of the cell phone she's speaking on with the Bone Divas calendar I have. We're really, really sad people. I can tell that because sitting around doing nothing but chatting it up with these two is intensely amusing to me.

I hereby dedicate the next several days to RELAXING, with some studying thrown in for good measure. Perhaps hanging out with some friends as well? Let me know, people.

Analyze my dreams!

I had a really weird, vivid dream this weekend. I was drowning in this really dark, cold lake. All the stars were out above me, way more than I've ever seen in the sky before. Then the archangel Michael appeared in the sky and flew down to me. Don't ask me how I knew it was Michael, it was a dream, nothing makes sense in a dream. (And no, Danielle, I didn't know it was Michael because he had blonde hair and green wings.) He held out a massive, golden scepter and I grabbed onto it. Then he lifted me out of the water and carried me to the shore, and dug the scepter into the ground next to me. He told me that God loved me and that He had saved me, but He had sent His angel to do the work.

It was a really cool dream, the kind that lingers in your mind for a good long while after you wake up. I think it'd make a really cool song, if I could figure out a nice melody and actually be able to write lyrics.

I'll write more later.

I'm tired for now, but my feelings at this current moment in time can be summed up by the following facial expression:


And now for a very busy week.

Thursdays are the best days.

Actually, I don't know about that, but today was pretty awesome. Had my one class, went to Qdoba with Mike, then sat around playing Lego Star Wars for a long time. Reminded me of being in high school and hunkering over video games for hours at a time with friends on the weekends. Then it was off to gents' club... and after that, some late-night insanity with Josiah and Erick.

Emo photo lesson #1: always look hopelessly, needlessly upset.

Josiah took this to an extreme.

Tess also called, so we decided to hang out with her for a little while, which was surprisingly enjoyable, considering she was actually in Texas.

Through the miracle of speaker phone technology, Tess was even able to have her own chair.

Off to the CRU mens' retreat tomorrow. I think it's going to be a good time. I'll be back sometime on Sunday afternoon. Until then... Good night, and good luck.

Thankfulness

It's been a great week so far. It's had its ups and downs, but overall I'm feeling a lot better than I did over the past month. The grace of God is such a wonderful thing. He can take all of my anger and turn it upside-down, into love. I'm so grateful for that cleansing power in my life.

I've gone through great strides over the years to learn more and more about our Lord. But knowing about God and knowing God are two completely different things. Knowing about God is a fine academic endeavor, but being able to see Him working in everyday life, and knowing that you have a relationship with your Creator... Words don't describe it. It is something much stronger than words, infinitely mysterious and marvelously unexplainable. I feel as if I have been changed, really changed. "For the Mighty One has done great things for me—holy is His name" (Luke 1:49). This is what it is like to really be alive, to truly be a man!

I know that it won't always be easy, and I won't always be able to see God working. There are many times that I will stumble and fall, and curse myself for being so blind to the glory. But, unlike before, I can take rest and solace in the unimaginable Good News that I now know firsthand—God saves. When we're at our lowest and we can't pick ourselves back up, Christ pulls us out of the ditch, brushes off our shoulders, and calls for us to return to His work. He is the Comforter, the kind but demanding Father who wants to see His children succeed, and will help them when they fall short of the goal. He is the One who saved me from myself... What else can I do but constantly bow before Him in praise and exaltation for the rest of my days?

All of us are still in the dark in some ways; with heavy hearts, we fall before our Saviour. And I know there are many now who have been lost in the world for so long. Plagued by pride or shame, they stumble blindly in the night, as I have done. But I tell anyone who feels adrift in the life they are leading, never stop searching! Have no fear! The Light of the World will make Himself known in the places you are least expecting Him. Always be willing to peer through the darkness. For "in my vision at night I looked, and there before me was one like a son of man, coming with the clouds of Heaven. . . . His dominion is an everlasting dominion that will not pass away, and his kingdom is one that will never be destroyed" (Daniel 7:13-14). The Kingdom of God is here to stay, and the only thing you have to do is knock at the door. Every knock is answered. I'm living proof.

"Deus Caritas Est"

I find myself growing increasingly frustrated with what I like to call "lake of fire Christianity." Prime examples of this include most contemporary Christian fiction and the group that witnessed on campus last week. These people seem more concerned with beating Christianity into unbelievers than anything else. They think that presenting images of eternal torture and damnation, of an angry and ever-condemning God, are the things that will cause others to follow Him.

I'm not denying that these things are true. Failure to follow Christ will result in being separated from His grace when all is said and done. And, after all, "He commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that He is the one whom God appointed as judge of the living and the dead" (Acts 10:42). I think that C.S. Lewis describes the urgent nature of the faith most eloquently in Mere Christianity:

When the author walks on to the stage the play is over. God is going to invade, all right: but what is the good of saying you are on His side then, when you see the whole natural universe melting away like a dream and something else--something it never entered your head to conceive--comes crashing in; something so beautiful to some of us and so terrible to others that none of us will have any choice left? For this time it will be God without disguise; something so overwhelming that it will strike either irresistable love or irresistable horror into every creature. It will be too late then to choose your side. There is no use saying you will choose to lie down when it has become impossible to stand up. That will not be the time for choosing: it will be the time when we discover which side we really have chosen, whether we realized it before or not. Now, today, this moment, is our chance to choose the right side. God is holding back to give us that chance. It will not last forever. We must take it or leave it.

Obviously there is a lot at stake with witnessing. We aren't just professing our beliefs and leaving it at that... The souls of our fellow men are at stake. This is an undeniable truth.

That having been said, I believe that witnessing can lose its purpose for people, and when it does, they fail to exercise the necessary prowess and skill involved in intelligently presenting the Truth to others. When groups get caught up in the Great Proclamation, in searching for converts not out of love for God and love for fellow man, but only to satisfy a requirement that was handed down to us from on high--well, it is the one of the worst mistakes of all. Any sort of apologist should have a firm understanding of the human heart to which he is speaking, and a strong desire to see that heart turned to Christ. I had a friend during high school that once said to me, "I think I've converted about six people so far this year!" Well, that's well and good, but conversion is not a numbers game. If I can convince even one person to turn to God during my lifetime, I will feel as if I've done a great thing for the Kingdom. Of course I will try to reach out to all of those in need, but always with a heart that is fierce for the Spirit, and eager to work as God's hands in this world.

To quote Lewis again, from Mere Christianity:

People often think of Christian morality as a kind of bargain in which God says, "If you keep a lot of rules I'll reward you, and if you don't I'll do the other thing."

I believe in preaching not a "gospel of rules," but rather a "gospel of love." Certainly there are "rules" involved in Christianity, but we should always be sure that nobody becomes hopelessly entangled in them.

Even if you're not Catholic, I highly recommend reading Pope Benedict XVI's latest encyclical, "Deus Caritas Est." This piece of literature and its explanations of the different types of emotion and their relation to God is a great piece of work. And it helps me to come to a greater understanding of how I would like to witness to people. I want to show people that “God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him” (1 John 4:16). All of the business about judging and damning those who are not in the Light only serves to push people further from God in most situations. As Christians, we should first and foremost keep our minds towards the love and praise of God, and the desire to do good, not only to avoid the flames of Hell, but to express our joy towards the One who has saved us all. Once a relationship can be established with the Lord, removing the various sins and problems that keep us bound to the things of this world will follow naturally. It won't be easy, but God, the Great Love, will help us to find our way. That is what people should be told about Christianity.

Nerdiest. Thing. Ever.

The Red Party at APT 14 was pretty fun last night. But of course, it wasn't good enough to just be normal college kids, try to meet new people, etc. No, me and Mike had to imitate Final Fantasy logos. The results are simultaneously the most hilarious and depressing things in the world to me. Observe:

The original logo.

The imitation.

And Emily's sick concoction.

Needless to say, we need a lot of help.

Other than that, I've been feeling... meh, lately. That's all the farther I'm willing to go with explaining my emotions right now. Anything more would not be prudent at this juncture. LOL

Emily/Matt Photo Shoot 2

Emily and I were bored today, so we went to Taco Bell and the bookstore, where I picked up a few C.S. Lewis books that I never got around to buying. Then we drove out to the windmills on the edge of town and immediately sank back into the photo-taking frenzy of late last summer.

The highlights:

Windmills are sweet.

Emily is saucy.

BFFN! (Best Friends For Now)

And the mother of all emo pictures.

Also, I am currently attempting to download Season 15 of "The Joy Of Painting" on TorrentSpy. Watching Bob Ross paint and talk is one of the best ways in the entire world to soothe yourself to sleep. Only 2.63 GB left to go!

Drowning In The Rising Sea Of Tears (Ocean)

I talked to Judy again last night. She said she hasn't got the results from the paternity test back yet, but I'm sure she's been sleeping around. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. All the crying and hives are really getting to me, it's like I don't even have the strength to put on my make-up in the morning anymore. I know if I put it on, the mascara is just going to run, and that's going to be so embarrassing for me. Life is so hard right now.

But it's ok. I have my two goldfishies. Dashboard and Confessional have kept me afloat. Sometimes I wish I could just be a goldfish and not have to cry all the time, because I'd be in water already. You can't cry in water, can you? I'd probably be just as sad, though. It's all about the emulators, man.

Anyway, I haven't been able to eat lately. I just throw up if I try. Chocolate is always good tho. I swear, I could sit in my room eating chocolate and listening to New Found Glory for hours, crying. Uncontrollably. I like to play with my lighter, too. The timid flame reminds me of my mortal soul. How will I ever keep living to my 16th birthday?!

"I woke up to the cold water of my sheets
Pulling me down into the slumber of a sepia dream
Your face haunts me from the shadows, waxen and cold
I will burn torches until I am old
Now the wafting specter of your ghost remains
Seared like a chemical burn into my brain
Over and over and over and over and over I scream inside
And run and run and run and run and search for somewhere to hide"

"10,000 Watts!"

These guys ruled last night.
(not pictured: Justin Edwards, Ben Lucas, Kevin Cray)

We had our show last night at the Black Swamp, in the Cla-Zel, on the "Peanut Butter & Rock" stage (it was teen-oriented, I guess teenagers really like their peanut butter). I think it went really well. Justin's music sounded fantastic, and although there were evidently some problems with the sound, I think Mike's set was also really good. It wasn't perfect, of course, but everyone has said that it sounded superb, and I had a lot of fun doing it. Definitely an awesome experience.

This weekend was a whole lot of fun. I could give everyone a play-by-play of what happened, but instead I'll simply list the highlights of the experience:

• Lisa and Danielle coming to visit, and all of the hilarity that ensued as a result.
• Meeting CANDYFACE at a party on Friday night. I know that makes no sense. Bear with me.
• Singing songs from The Last Five Years while walking across campus in the middle of the night.
  
• Making fake signs for Lisa and Danielle to hold up during the concert... then taking pictures of them.
• The guy who was running the sound board at the Cla-Zel.
• Chicago (all things go, all things go).
• Meeting Mike's parents. They're both really nice. And evidently his dad reads this blog, so I can feel like I'm at least addressing this bullet point to somebody.
• learning from Mike that playing a shaker = "wanna do it?"
• seeing "Psuedobook" on a sign for the show.
• getting the chance to play cello at Kevin and his fiancee's wedding. I'm pretty excited about that. And Bach, too! There's no Bach like cello Bach.

All in all, it was an immensely fun, if extremely tiring, weekend. And now I have to do a bunch of homework today to make up for the fact that I've been ignoring it since Friday, opting to spend vast quantities of money on fast food in the stead of investing in my education. So I'm going to go do that.

Open inquiry... Is The Pseudobook Podcast Weekly dead? Alive and well? On infinite hiatus? Because I've been wondering about the other possible uses for canned nacho cheese dip for quite some time.

Weekend O' Fun

I was going to start off this entry by recapping my highly disturbing trip to Wendy's last night, but Michael "Steak" Edwards seems to have gotten to it first. Let's just suffice to say that it was... a highly enlightening experience.

This weekend is going to be a blast. Lisa and Danielle are coming up in a few hours (the three angels will be reunited once again!), and then we're heading over to Grant, Mike, and Corey's apartment later for one of the infamous themed parties that this circle of friends is quickly becoming well-known for. Then tomorrow it's band practice, followed shortly by the show at the Black Swamp. It's at 8pm, at the Cla-Zel in downtown Bowling Green, on Main Street. Try to stop by if you're in the mood for a fun (or, worst-case scenario, somewhat amusing) time. I think the show's going to be really good, though. We sounded pretty fantastic last night during practice.

Of course, I have literally mounds of homework that I have yet to do... so I'd better get started on that before everyone gets here and the festivities begin. Even though school is really the thing that's on my mind the least these days, it would probably be smart to put some kind of effort into it so I don't pull a freshman year again.

What would probably happen if I failed any classes.

"Profile Badges"

Taking Facebook's creepiness to a whole new level.

Facebook has officially become a monster. I know that's been the big buzz on the Internet over the past couple of days, so I won't dwell on it too much. Also, this "profile badge" concept has been around since before the giant update earlier this week, but it still amazes me how intent the Facebook Corporation or whoever runs this thing is on ensuring that everyone is jacked into their system. Why would anyone honestly need a "profile badge?" I refuse to use that term without quotations because I feel like I would lose some of my dignity by doing so. But at least now MySpace and Xanga users all over the world can have one more ridiculous banner to add to their growing lists of online quizzes, Flash animations, and low-resolution music videos.

The world is doomed.

Meanwhile, my sister has started a spoken-word LiveJournal, where she writes a bit of prose about her day and then records herself speaking it into a live audio stream that can be heard on her blog. I think it's a pretty cool concept, and I'm interested to hear more of it.

As a final note, I really, really need to quit smoking. Not only do I not have the money to continue the habit, but it's actually slowly killing me! Remind me why I even started in the first place? And no, Emily, it wasn't to impress Mike Robinson.

If only cigarettes were labeled like this in the States.

A Public Apology

"The Lamb of God sits upon the throne
The Lamb of God, who for our lives, gave His own
So what is it now that's got me down inside?
What depths to plunge, what fears to expunge from my soul?"
- The Lonelyhearts Of Lonelyhearts (Michael Edwards)

I feel that an act of confession before men is in order. (Or, I just need to get some things off my chest.) With that in mind, I submit my list of grievances against everything that's bothered me for so long.

I am sorry:

• for not always striving to be the person I know I can be.
• for being dishonest towards the people I care about the most.
  
• for always choosing to take the easy way out and wallow in self-pity.
• for not appreciating all the wonderful gifts that I have been given.
• for thinking of myself instead of working to help bring joy to the lives of others.
• for being irresponsible, and backing out on commitments.
• for not taking up my cross daily and following Christ.
• for blinding myself to the Spirit that "shall lead men into all truth."

Additionally, I apologize:

• to my parents, for the countless hardships I've burdened you with in the past.
• to my siblings, for causing problems and turning my own struggle growing up into your struggle as well.
• to Alicia, for not being able to be the kind of boyfriend you deserved.
  
• to Adam, for losing my grasp on reality and ruining a wonderful friendship.
• to Laura, for not always being a caring and compassionate friend.
• to Dustin, for speaking ill when I should have remembered the times you were there for me.
• to Emily and Mike, for overburdening you with my problems and depression, and failing to see that even having friends like you at all is enough to lift me up.
• to all who I have spurned, rejected, abused, or insulted.
  
• to the Lord my God, for having fallen so many times while trying to find You.

"O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended You, and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell, but most of all because they offend You, my God, who is all-good and deserving of my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Your grace, to confess my sins, and to amend my life. Amen."

I won't let myself fall in again. I know I can do better than this.